Three and Holding

Do Things Differently? No Thanks.

You know what I find to be the single biggest adjustment to the toddler stage? It's not the up close relationship you get to enjoy with someone else's poop. It's not the way that their sticky little hands make it impossible for you to ever pull off looking well put-together if you wear black or white. It's the way you need to hit the ground running every single day.

Before E. came along we had already bade farewell to that "immediate gratification" stage with the big kids. They would roll out of bed on a weekend and groggily come downstairs to watch tv for a bit. Sometimes they would get themselves a bowl of cereal. Sometimes they would even attempt to make us breakfast! It was awesome. Well, truthfully, the breakfast was a little hard to choke down because it was usually cold toast with 3 inches of Cheez Whiz teetering precariously on top. Or Shreddies that had been sitting in milk for so long that they lost any resemblance they once had to actual squares of cereal. But still; they were small children so of course we appreciated and applauded their efforts.

This morning I was contemplating how drastically things have changed. I wasn't contemplating it as I sat at the table enjoying an entire cup of hot coffee and leafing distractedly through the paper while my freshly-showered hair dried in the warm spring air of morning. I was thinking about it as I traipsed around my backyard, still wearing the tank top I wore to bed, and clutching a lukewarm coffee while the littlest peron in the family steered me around by my finger screaming out "mutsch!" any time I went too slow. It's her catch-all phrase for "do-what-I-want-right-now-please-and-thank-you."

I was also thinking about an article I skimmed through in a magazine the other day when I was waiting at the doctor's office. It referenced that infamous Ann Landers poll from the 1970's when she asked her readers, "If you had to do it over again, would you have children?" Seventy percent of the over 10,000 responses that came back said "no."

I have actually been thinking about that stat all weekend. Not because I fall into the 70% who said they wouldn't do it again, because I would. In a heartbeat. I have just been giving some thought to what my life would be like if I didn't have any kids. I guess it would be neater, that's a given. My gardens would likely already be cleared of the autumn debris. My windows would probably be clean and grime-free. I'm sure B. and I would have travelled to many exotic destinations by now. Perhaps I would be training for a marathon. There is really no way of knowing.

What I do know is that I would be working in a senior marketing position at someone else's company. This means that I wouldn't be writing for a living, which I love. I can attribute acting on my desire to write directly to my kids because I probably wouldn't have made the leap to freelancing if I wasn't looking for more work/family balance.

If I never had kids, I would probably be wasting far too much time sleeping and watching tv. Before the kids I always felt that I didn't have time to do all of the little projects around the house. I couldn't be bothered to make a decent dinner half of the time. I was too tired, which is laughable now, really. But having kids has given me perspective. It has given me something to compare and contrast my other life against. Now I know that when the kids are older, more autonomous, and eventually out of the house altogether, it might feel like I have too much time on my hands. At least for a little while, until I get used to it.

I don't want to fast-forward my life to that point though. I've noticed that when women in their 40's see you out in public trying to juggle the needs of three kids they often say, "I'm glad that stage is over!" But women in their 50's and 60's look at you wistfully and say, "Enjoy them, dear, those years pass too quickly."

So, for now, I'm trading off peaceful Sunday mornings to hang outside with my kids, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather and getting absolutely nothing else done. I really don't mind most days because, for me, the only thing worse than holding your toddler's hand while wearing your pyjamas outside on a Sunday morning, is having no little hand to hold at all.